i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
