so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
