My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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