Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
