Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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