It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
