mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
