Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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