Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
