I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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