So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
