Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
