Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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