Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
