I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
