Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
