He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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