I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
