addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
