Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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