i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
