I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
