I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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