drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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