I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
