Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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