apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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