Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
