I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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