If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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