Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
