Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
