alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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