You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
