Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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