Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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