Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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