is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
