oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
