oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize