trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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