the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sorry about my life...
I just gargled with NyQuil
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
