I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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