Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
there is glitter all over my balls
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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