Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
