i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
