You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Two words: blizzard sex
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
