At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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