between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
