OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
