Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
