I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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