I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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