Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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