my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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