i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
