Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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