you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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