last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
