Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
