i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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