i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
